It is Easier to Talk the Talk than to Walk It. How I Failed Today + An Update

We must talk to people who are different from us. It is urgent.

7 min readDec 11, 2017

I moved to Brooklyn six months ago from Texas where I lived over 25 years.

The moment we arrived here with my van and my car loaded with our things, a lady instantly went for one of my daughters and started telling her that she needed money to buy milk for her baby at home. My daughter, Lani, was confused, but the moment I assessed what was going on, I addressed the lady and dismissed her as quickly as I could, particularly since I was stressed out about moving into our new apartment and emptying our overloaded vehicles, already open, things almost spilling over.

The lady was not pleased with me, and she said that I was rude and a few other things. I didn’t mind the words as much, but the exchange saddened me.

A few days later, the same “lady” approached Lani again with the same tale; Lani was going to the store next door with only two dollars; she sincerely told the lady that she only had two dollars to buy “x”, and that she was new here having just moved from Texas, and that she didn’t have much money. The lady was moved to compassion by my daughter’s sincerity.

This “con”-turned-friend, started then to give advise to my daughter against people like herself. She told her “oh honey, you be careful here, we are all cons here, don’t you talk to no one, you hear?”, “don’t talk to any of the boys here, you hear? they all cons”.

Lani was touched by this, and reflected that it was opening up to her with sincerity that had turned her to be caring. Lani saw in action that truth and sincerity are the best options in any case, and that the lady herself had proven that point.

That has never happened again, until today to me. But I will backtrack a bit.

Update: I met this person several times since I first wrote this article. She is a transgender, and I had had no experience with transgenders until this year, but that’s another story.

We conversed several times and I shared a meal with her once and encouraged her to get a job she could do and she told me she wanted to get a data entry job; I wished her the best.

I have never been witness to such social, economical and cultural disparity as I have been since moving here. I recognize that I am not prepared to write extensively about this sad reality; I have been heavy-hearted seeing some of the remarkable differences in lifestyle, jobs, etc. prevalent in this area.

I need deeper explanations for why this is so, ones that include truth, without masking or white-washing anything. Ornate lies should never satisfy us but they do; humans aren’t stringent about their facts; being lazy, most people are okay to adopt the ideas from someone else equally unqualified to influence anyone’s thinking.

The answers are not easy and they are deep; our ignorance runs deep.

There is a lovely woman whom I admire. She is tall, beautiful and dignified. Yes, dignified. She comes to our street every week, dressed well, and works the enormous piles of bottles, no matter what the weather is.

How I have wanted to strike up a conversation with her! But I haven’t besides complimenting her on her lovely coat once and saying “hello” another time.

Why can’t we talk more?

Update: I eventually spoke with this woman, several times. One time she was waiting for our maintenance man to open the door for her to get access to the piles of bags of cans and bottles. She had been waiting for an hour, so I brought them from the basement outside for her and a friend of hers to sort through. She was most grateful and I was so happy to be able to be of help.

She longed for a piece of furniture that was being discarded but had no way of getting it to her house. I lamented not being able to help her. Even though after much work I could have. I didn’t. She doesn’t have where to sit today, most likely, because I wasn’t able to help her that day. I too would have needed help in order to help her. Who to ask? Everyone is so busy.

I remember in one of my best psychology classes: “the psychology of prejudice” we studied a concept that I got very excited about: superordinate goals.

“In psychology, superordinate goals refer to goals that require the cooperation of two or more groups to achieve, which usually results in [incredible and wonderfully unifying results] rewards to the groups”. — Google

Researcher Muzafer Sherif, (1966) did an experiment in a boys’ camp in Oklahoma, made up of 22 boys that he divided in two groups. First he had the groups compete against each other for prizes in different activities.

It wasn’t long and each group had developed an identity with their group, and pride and hostility towards the other group. They would call each other names and there were some violent incidents, cabins ransacked, food wars and fist fights.

When the groups were brought together, they would stay apart and only look at each other with obvious displeasure and rejection.

What happens next can give us great hope because of what is possible, and it can also make us sad because, we have done so very little with this knowledge since it first came out more than 50 years ago.

Sherif, the researcher accomplished widespread cooperation by giving them SUPERORDINATE GOALS: shared goals that can only be achieved via cooperation.

Researchers arranged for the water supply to fail, and all 22 boys had to work together to restore the water supply. Some other obstacles stood in the way, like a stalled vehicle they had to pull out of the way together.

Sherif used competition to turn strangers into enemies, and then he used shared predicaments to turn enemies into friends.

What reduced conflict was not mere contact, but COOPERATIVE CONTACT

What does that mean for me here? What can one person possibly do? Well, whatever I could have done today, slipped from me.

I went outside and soon was approached by a young woman who probably was the same one as before; the fake hair, etc., She approached me and, instead of doing the difficult thing and telling her: “don’t tell me the story you have prepared to tell me, instead, do you care to talk with me?”.

Instead of doing that, I told her “you and I have spoken before”; I said that a couple of times while I walked away, dismissing her. For her just another dismissal; for me, a chance gone forever.

I felt like a traitor. As soon as I crossed the street I looked back and I couldn’t see her anymore. I did my errand in the store, came home to leave the things and went out to try and find her. I didn’t. Instead I vowed to not let another chance go, and to write this article to make my determination stronger.

I want to, and perhaps I need to, find out whether I can converse with some of “them”. Some can look so harsh on the outside, but I should know better than to judge the whole only by external appearance.

Update: I had numerous chats with different people and most were nice, with only two being unsuccessful. If their mind is altered and they aren’t able to think normally, then it would be hard to have even a small chat.

What opens another’s heart is an open heart. If we approach others with fear and a closed up heart, they are going to respond the same. Having closed hearts does not move our spirits forward; we remain stagnant. Open your heart to these other children of the Universe; they count, every single last of them. You will have a bigger and warmer heart.

Inside each of us is a regular heart beating warmly, and looking for the same comforts, satisfactions and hope that we all do.

We all need to be in each other’s place to understand, until we do, we never will understand another with our heads.

Catastrophes unite us; why does it take catastrophes to pull us together? We are meant to operate together like a body, but instead, for millennia, men’s social, political and religious structures have, rather than helped, they have fragmented us into bits and pieces, and we are going to end this life’s experiment, when it’s all over, all divided, scared, when there was nothing to be scared of, except our mind’s capacity to split and divide, for no good reason.

This is a high hope, but I cast it out: it can be done; it all starts with you, and with me.

Update: I now live in upstate NY and not in the city. I am new here and I would love to see more unity, but I have already been advised to not walk alone, even though the neighborhoods are lovely. There is fear. An incident that happens sends everyone into fear mode, and the rifts grow.

Healing is possible, and even easy, from the standpoint of our spirit, which is willing.

Isaiah 1:18 reads: “Come now, and let us reason together”, and then describes a bad situation that can be made into a good situation.

Let us open our minds; start by learning that our minds’s forte is not knowing, it is just thinking, and it thinks a lot of useless thoughts, but true intelligence is found in the body and in the heart. Let’s open our hearts. And, one by one, like flowers in a field that open and show their radiant colors, we will be a prettier field, more pleasing to one looking from space.

Call to Action:

Follow me on my facebook page for videos and things shared that, if successful, will tickle your thinking, and hopefully, eventually crack it open. I don’t use hyperbole, — it is against my nature. The wise become wise not through some well-pitched business scheme, but through looking patiently and sincerely :-)