What do people say about you? And WHEN YOU SHOULD CARE
It would be easy to say “never”, but I suggest that that is not true. We can find useful insight in the criticisms of those who have good character and who know us fairly well.
Hearing an empty criticism is not hard, and in fact it can be entertaining for our ego. “You wouldn’t believe what that idiot told me”, we may tell a friend, and have a juicy (but empty), little chit-chat.
But hearing constructive criticism can hurt our feelings simply because the truth hurts; because the truth confronts us with a choice, and this choice informs us about who and what we are: courageous and honest, or defensive, and weak, etc.
By“criticisms” we aren’t talking about the ones hurled during traffic, or even those given in shallow relationships or exchanges. Sure, we can expose a lot about ourselves in a short time, but sometimes people are having a bad day, and to judge their entire character on a snapshot of one minute may be unfair, inaccurate and detrimental. Let’s avoid that.
Here is one blatant truth that people seldom have the guts to say:
Self-absorbed people are boring.
People who make themselves the center of the universe are hopelessly boring, — and their friends aren’t telling them.
Why is it such anathema to tell someone that they’re boring? — I don’t mean going around telling people that they’re boring when possibly we’re the ones who should get a life; I am referring to people with whom we may be in relatively significant relationships with, whose lack of luster in life affects us.
We would never do it, would we?
We’re more likely to say “it’s not you, it’s me”: possibly code for: you’re boring.
We need to be educated about what makes us boring, and how we may counteract it. But that’s for another article. This one is, in part, to establish that;
being self-centered makes us boring — even to ourselves — . So, there; done.
I’ve been a wimp at times too, but a few times I’ve mustered the courage to say, “hey, you’ve told me that story several times already”. But other times, when the other person, just pretending to be kind said: “this is so boring, you must be bored out of your wits”, I was a wimp and smiled instead of saying: “oh my God, yes I am, thank you for noticing!!”.
(The narcissistic person won’t care that they are boring you, — taking up your time without consideration, and will keep at it; you will have to stop them firmly in an act of self-respect. These are the people who teach us about boundaries. This isn’t an easy lesson to learn especially if you are a giver by nature).
Telling someone that they are boring is perhaps cruel; — worse than telling them that they have bad breath, and maybe on the same league of telling them that they’re acting like they have e-n-v-y.
(Most people deny envy. Envy is ugly and embarrassing; I don’t know many people with enough guts to admit to it.)
People don’t normally tell those kinds of truths to one another; people shrug around those issues, and lie through their teeth, sparing the feelings of the other person.
How many times have we heard on America’s Got Talent’s auditions someone who sang like a crow say, “all my friends told me that I had a great voice”? — more than enough times. Someone please have courage and tell them the truth!
But people are wimps to tell the truth, on both sides of the spectrum: we also withhold compliments.
We place being liked (or just not making a stir), over being integral. In reality, it is an act of love to say a difficult truth (as we perceive it, we could be wrong), with kindness.
Kindness is a huge deal. The truth should not be delivered in a cruel way, even if it’s about a deficit of character, — being totally self-centered like Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, for example.
We stay in our area of comfort and deprive another of a truth that could help them. Never in a condescending way, of course, for that is missing the point entirely.
Truth and mercy met and they kissed. Ps. 85:10 That’s a lovely combo.
Truth without mercy is cruel.
Mercy without truth is useless.
But the two together are powerful to ignite a spark in any who has the potential.
Not all perceivers are created equal
An opinion is only as valid as the integrity and decency of the person who has it —
Two+ kinds of perceivers
- One who is totally self-absorbed = A NEGATIVE
- One who values serving others and cares and engages in causes greater than themselves= A POSITIVE
- (All the rest; the ones in between who are nice but not always as involved, and not always as nice either)
The one who is totally self-absorbed represents a NEGATIVE value
Follow me for a second: if a NEGATIVE gives a NEGATIVE opinion of you, then, the multiplication of those two NEGATIVE VALUES results in a POSITIVE. (A mathematic truth, both in multiplication and division).
So, don’t worry if someone who is a NEGATIVE has a poor opinion of you; he/she being a “negative”, makes his negative opinion, a positive thing for you, and there’s nothing to worry about.
I know a few people who, if they thought good things about me, it would worry me. These individuals I have no respect for, and their judgments (about anything), mean nothing to me.
But there are many others that I hold in high esteem; and if they who have earned my respect told me something about my character, attitude or behavior, you bet I would listen.
If a POSITIVE (person) gives a POSITIVE opinion of you, then, the multiplication of those two positives results in a POSITIVE as well.
Now, if a POSITIVE value person gives a NEGATIVE opinion of you, then you need to take a good and honest look at yourself and see where what that person thinks of you is true, and adjust your own thinking.
It is possible that you are in a position to receive advise from that person; if so, don’t be proud; it is for your own long-lasting good. Be careful and seek a higher kind of knowledge than you have had so far. And if possible, seek wisdom; the highest of all; elusive and very precious.
If you need a second and third opinions, be sure to seek them from people of the same caliber as the first, otherwise you are just seeking validation and you will not grow.
We should make people we trust to be wise and who know us well, feel safe to approach us to let us know if they feel there’s something we need to pay attention to.
It is a rare gift to have someone like that in your life, that knows you and whom you can trust to have always a clean motive and your best interest at heart. If you do, cherish them; they will foster your growth.
It is good to not take ourselves too seriously, and be flexible rather than tough.
We can lie to ourselves on certain levels, but deep inside, we know what is true even if we deny it with our words. And when we are defensive, others see through that charade and we don’t look very good. The more we defend ourselves the worse we look.
It’s also true that those in the direst need to hear a criticism, are often the least willing to receive it. It is their loss, and the loss of those around them because they never learn anything. — Imagine trying to give advise to a narcissistic person… oh the folly!
We are social beings and cannot operate effectively in a vacuum, nor can we be happy or fulfilled in isolation. We need each other, and we need to be integrated in the global body to which we belong in a collaborative way, not an “it’s-all-about-me” way.
Even if you are a giant in the world; even if you are powerful, wealthy, and accomplished in many ways, if you make everything you do about you, you are essentially an empty person, and a boring one, and when people seek you, they will not seek you because you stimulate them to grow, but because their ego gets a kick out of your glitz; but not their spirit.
Matthew, Mark and John all mention these words from Jesus: “I didn’t come to be served but to serve”. Matthew 20:28, Mark 10:45, John 13:1
No matter how big we get, we are not going to be interesting enough if we don’t extend our hearts to others. Paradoxically, when we do, we won’t have to worry about being interesting because that will come as a byproduct of our passion for living for a cause that is larger than ours.
If your passion takes you traveling, doing things differently than your parents did, or not, having kids or not having them, being a teacher or a student, artistic or not, as long as you do whatever you do from a place of truth, then it will serve the whole, even if it doesn’t show directly.
These things can sometimes look selfish to linear thinkers who maybe haven’t always, (or ever), lived from their place of truth, so they cannot always judge very well the place of truth of another. Be patient, and follow your inner compass.
If you so live, you will not be self-absorbed, and God, you won’t be boring, thank goodness.
Call to Action:
Join me for bi-monthly thought-provoking talks where we stir the pot of traditional thinking and question things we haven’t dared to question before. — The rapid change of our societies doesn’t let us evolve fast enough and we are caught between two eras. This is full of potential but also problematic. Join me as we discuss many a provocative topic!! I look forward to seeing you there!
Copyrighted material 2017
